


さくら

by hotpeach



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F, Hanahaki Disease, hanahaki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-04-30 05:47:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 8,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14490159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotpeach/pseuds/hotpeach
Summary: hanahaki disease (花吐き病); disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. it ends when the beloved returns their feelings, or when the victim dies. it can be cured through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim's romantic feelings for their love also disappear.





	1. Chapter 1

_It’s such a cruel world_

_I’m saving all my love for you, girl._

 

**_03:14 a.m._ **

 

Her lungs were burning, it was 3 something am and she couldn’t stay still, feeling as if the  oxygen wasn’t enough to keep her breathing she managed to stand up and half run half stumble into the bathroom just in time as the petals gushed out of her mouth.

 

 

Speechless, she stared at the small petals scattered on the bathroom floor. A minute passed by and she was still staring at them, her hand unconsciously reaching out to rest on her throat as she tried to process what just happened.

 

Lying in front of her were little petals.

 

Petals. Flower petals. Cherry blossoms to be exact.

 

The tiny petals had a faint blush color on them, yet that color was more than enough to take all of  Sana’s attention as she was frozen on her feet.

 

“This can’t be…” She mumbled after realization finally hit her, making her body tremble as she reached out to cover her mouth. This must be a dream, right? These things don’t usually happen in real life, they shouldn’t. They can’t happen. It’s impossible. This wasn’t supposed to happen to her. Why her? Out of everyone, why did it had to happen to her?

 


	2. Chapter 2

_Because we never know when_

_we’ll run out of time._

  


**_03:57 a.m._ **

 

It was almost 4 am yet she had already cleaned all the scattered petals on her bathroom floor, gathering them all inside a trash bag and taking it to the giant container, on the back of the entrance of her apartment that she would usually just visit once every week, yet with today’s visit it would be the second time this week. Sana didn’t mind taking the trash out, she just despised the fact of having to do an extra round when she just went the day before.

  


As she was back inside of her apartment, she took of her slippers momentarily forgetting about the insides of the bag she just got rid of, her hand reached out to remove whatever was hanging on her hair, she felt something soft between her fingers as she curiously took a look. Lying on the palm of her hand, was resting a single petal.

  


The petals. Cherry blossoms. Her mind wandered back to what just happened earlier. To the reason why Sana had to go outside at 4 in the morning to take a bag full of cherry blossom petals out of her apartment. So **_she_ ** wouldn’t find out.

  
  


Taking a quick look at her phone, she checked the time before rushing to her desk to open her laptop. As the computer was starting and the familiar apple appeared on screen, she couldn’t help but feel anxious. Her fingers couldn’t type fast enough, the usually quick processor on her laptop seemed slow right now.

  


It only took a couple of minutes until Sana was able to find a seemingly decent website, she clicked on it while waiting for the page to load. As she scanned through the information she could feel the trembles come back, tears forming on her eyes as she continued reading, even though she knew what was happening even before she opened the laptop.

  


_Hanahaki; illness born from one-sided love, where the affected one throws up and coughs flower petals as part of the disease._

  


_The ‘infection’ can be removed through surgery, after it the flowers disappear as well as the feelings the affected one had. Or it can disappear by itself if the love is reciprocated by that person._

  


By the time she finished reading every single possible source of information she could come across the internet, Sana was quietly sobbing with more questions than answers, most of the sites claimed to have the ‘cure’ for the disease and others stated that there was no cure and the best someone could do was start bidding their goodbyes and settle everything for when they would leave earth, which was stated to be soon after the first symptoms started.

  


With a sigh she closed the laptop, checking again the time on her phone and moving onto the kitchen to grab a glass of water. Afterall, she was already awake and in desperate need of something warm for her throat, might as well start her day.

  



	3. Chapter 3

_I could’ve stayed up with you_

_all night, had I known how to save a life._

  


**_07:30 a.m._ **

  


Her phone ringed a couple of times just as she heard a knock on her door, she made sure to take a deep breath before she opened it.

  


“You changed the passcode?”

  


“I ended up locked out this morning when I was taking out the trash, I had to change it again.” She mumbled in a quick reply as she smiled and moved to the side so the other could walk in.

  


_Lies_.

  


She tried to shush her thoughts away as she took her time to close the door, not being able to face her lover. Not yet.

  


“Taking the trash out? In the morning?” The other female questioned her as she vaguely placed a kiss on her cheek and made her way inside, plopping down on the couch. Sana smiled to herself at the sight of Momo resting with her eyes closed.

  


“Did you pull an allnighter again? I can feel how tired you are.” Sana said, in hopes for her girlfriend to forget about the topic, she couldn’t stand the thought of having to lie to the only one she loved.

  


She only got a faint groan as response, shaking her head she walked towards the kitchen. “We still have a couple of minutes, let me make some coffee for you.”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh i just have been uploading randomly, but maybe i'll set a schedule soon (?)  
> but thanks so much for all the comments and kudos!


	4. Chapter 4

_Let’s waste time chasing cars,_

_around our heads._

  
  


**_08:15 a.m._ **

 

Sana rolled down the window on her side, letting the wind storm into her face as she rested her head on the door frame. She took a look at Momo’s face, she was focused into driving, eyes fixed on the road, both hands on the steering wheel.

  


Both hands.

  


She suddenly felt the urge to reach out and grab one of them, just like how it used to be. Momo driving with her left hand on the steering wheel while her right hand was in between Sana’s hands. She would play some of their favorite songs on the car speakers as both of them sang along.

  


Just as her mind was busy thinking about those times, she coughed a couple of times. Her throat didn’t act up since that morning, yet she could feel it starting to itch once again. Sana reached out to her bag and grabbed her water bottle, taking a couple of sips before putting it back in its place.

  


“You okay?” She heard Momo ask her, not wanting to cough again she nodded as a reply and went back to lie her head on the door frame. She closed her eyes, the wind against her face was calming.

  


Just as she was about to start reminiscing the old times on her mind again, she felt the wind disappear, being replaced by silence in the car. Sana turned her head to stare at the other, as she was about to question her decision to close the window  the other raised a finger as if she was already expecting her complain.

  


“You are coughing, the wind is cold, you will end up sick. You need to take care of your health.” She mumbled not leaving space for any reply as she turned on the radio right after.

  


_How did we end up like this?_

  


She wanted to grab the other’s face and make her look in her eyes. She wanted to scream and cry until Momo saw how much she missed her. Until she could feel what she was feeling.

 

All she ever wanted was to go back to how they were before it started to fall apart.

  


Her throat itched, it was like if the words she was keeping to herself were demanding to be let out. Wanting to be heard. Another cough, another sip of water before she pretended that she had fallen asleep in the car.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapters are so short the way i divided them, but hey at least they aren't a mess.


	5. Chapter 5

_Where are the plans_

_we made for two?_

 

**_11:45 a.m._ **

 

Just as the lecture ended, Sana packed her notebook and laptop inside her bag. Not trying to hurry out of the hall, as she knew the rest of the students would do the same, instead she took out her phone and sent a quick message to the only one she would find herself texting most of the time.

 

_‘i’m out, i’ll see you at the car. be careful, i love you’_

 

She stood up from her seat once she saw that most of the students left, quickly walking out the doors and towards the parking lot where Momo had parked her car in the morning. Classes weren’t that bad as she was starting her sophomore year and Sana no longer had to interact all time in class, in most of her classes the professor or lecturer would appear to give the lesson, indicate the upcoming assignments and that would be it.

 

Sana was almost out of the building, when she felt her throat itching once again. As she walked down the steps, she took a sip from her now almost empty bottle of water. The itching calmed down a bit but she still had the urge to cough, she had managed to discreetly cough all morning long.

 

Tightly covering her mouth as she was unsure if more petals would come out every time she coughed, she managed to realize that if  her throat was itching the coughs would be small and only a couple of petals would come out. So she would be able to toss them inside of her bag, another reason why it was so convenient to sit at the back. Not that anyone would pay much attention to her, a girl coughing in class, everyone was probably thinking she caught a cold, just as her girlfriend did earlier this morning.

 

Before she reached the car, she was sure to take a quick detour towards the bathrooms to flush away the small batch of petals that she had coughed during her morning classes and to get something to drink for the ride back to her apartment.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i guess you have noticed that the "titles" "starts" of each chapter come from a song. yay! just let me know if you would like me to make a playlist for them or add a link for each chapter's song?


	6. Chapter 6

_I guess it’s funny from where you are standing,_

_because over here I missed the joke._

  


**_01:07 p.m._ **

 

The ride back was quiet, filled with silence yet not calm or peaceful at all. The tension was almost palpable and Sana was quick to make Momo know how upset and annoyed she was at the other’s actions.

She had been waiting for almost an hour for the other to get to the car, Momo’s class ends just 15 minutes after Sana’s. Yet she didn’t reply to her 16 messages or missed phone calls and just appeared at the parking lot 55 minutes after her class was over. No explanation, no apologies, not even a single gesture came out of the older girl’s as she got inside of the car.

  


Either Momo was pretending not to know what just happened or she was definitely in another world because Sana’s stare was burning holes through her as the other just drove.

  


As she opened her mouth to start what seemed to be another fight, Sana felt the itch on her throat comeback again, opting to just keep her mouth shut before she started coughing her lungs out. Or in this case, flowers.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so short....oops


	7. Chapter 7

_You’re the broken one but_

_I’m the only one who needed saving._

  


**_02:34 p.m._ **

 

“I have to pick my brother up and after I drop him home, I’ll be back. Okay? I love you, get some rest.” Momo mumbled as Sana looked at her through the rolled down window of the car. She was outside of her apartment and Momo had told her that she wouldn’t take that long.

 

“Okay, be careful. I love you.” She replied with a faint smile on her face as she waved the now moving car goodbye. “I would tell you to text me when you get there but that’s not your thing, right?” She whispered to herself in a bitter tone as she made her way inside of the apartment lobby and towards the elevator.

 

By the time she reached the door of her apartment she had decided to don’t put on a fight with her girlfriend, they were having a hard time already with their previous fights and adding more fuel to the fire wouldn’t result in anything good for them. Even if keeping it to herself would make her feel worse, she would rather have it this way.

 

As Sana stepped inside, she couldn’t hold it in anymore. Rushing towards the bathroom she opened the lid and let the flower petals pour out of her throat. The sensation of something suffocating you from inside was clearly unpleasant, the body would try to get rid of it. The coughs and the throwing up was there for a reason, get rid of the unnecessary and unfamiliar flower petals that were growing in her lungs.

 

Yet she would find herself trying to suppress the coughs, even now that she was completely alone in her apartment, waiting for the other to comeback. Sana knew that it would take around an hour or more for Momo to be back. She didn’t have to hide anything for now, yet she rather drown her coughs in water and warm tea than let her unrequited love manifest itself in something she could clearly see and touch.

 

Resting for a couple of minutes on the cold bathroom floor, helped her clear her mind for a bit before she stood up and started cleaning and tossing into a trash bag  the beautiful and delicate petals that were everywhere.

 

Since this morning she hadn’t had the time to think about why there were flowers growing inside of her lungs? Since when did they start growing? But the most important question that she had tried to avoid thinking about, who?

 

She’s been with Momo for 2 years and almost 6 months, how can she suddenly experience symptoms of a disease caused by unrequited love? Sana was more than sure that she wasn’t in love or interested in anyone but her girlfriend.

 

She didn’t like anyone else, even when they were fighting, Momo was always her priority and the only one in her eyes. Could the disease be caused by something else? She made a mental note to research more when she had the time to, but for now she occupied her mind in finding some recipes to soothe  her throat with something warm.

 


	8. Chapter 8

_ If you love me, _

_ don’t let go. _

  
  


**_09:48 p.m._ **

 

They were lying down in Sana’s bed, Momo peacefully resting on her side as she fell into a deep sleep while Sana silently stared at her. After her lover returned with some take out, udon and dumplings for lunch, they had spent most of their afternoon finishing their assignments while some random documental was playing on the Tv.

  
  


For a moment, Sana thought that maybe everything was going back to normal, maybe their fights would stop if she kept the small things like what happened earlier at the campus to herself, but it was only for a moment because the second after Momo’s phone started ringing every couple of seconds, the screen lighting up and making Sana ask who was desperately asking for her girlfriend’s attention, which turned into Momo silencing her phone and saying it was just her mom.

  
  


Sana had chosen to let that pass since the other had mentioned it was her mom but minutes after, Momo had hurried into the bathroom as her phone’s screen lighted up again. Sana wondered who was it that she needed to reply somewhere else.

  
  


Once Momo came back from the bathroom, Sana stood up from the couch and mentioned that she would go take a nap. Only getting a small “nap well” in response as Momo resumed her studying.

  
  


She had fought the urge to run inside the bathroom all afternoon, and just after she quietly closed the door of her room and rushed to the toilet to let the small petals come out in between coughs and muffled sounds, she didn’t want Momo to suspect or find out. If there was something she was sure about was about not letting her lover know about this.

  
  


She quietly cleaned the scattered cherry blossoms from the floor and tossed them in a bag inside of her closet, she was sure Momo wouldn’t check her clothes at all so that was a safe place for now. As she laid in her bed, realization finally hit her. She hasn’t fallen in love with anyone new. It wasn’t someone else. She has always been in love with Momo and she was sure it would stay that way no matter what.

  
  


_ But why am I still spitting flower petals from my lungs? _

  
  


It wasn’t until she put everything together that she found the answer to her own question, the constant fights, the other’s uninterested attitude, the lack of affection, the sudden ignoring, all of that could only mean one thing. 

  
  


 

 

Sana was in love with Momo.

  
  


 

That was clear. 

  
  


 

 

 

But Momo wasn’t in love with Sana.

  
  


 

 

 

 

Not anymore.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter...YAY. the sad truth is out and can you guys believe i was crying while typing this? why do i do this to myself and to my samo feels. . .


	9. Chapter 9

 

_We used to never go to bed angry,_

_But that’s all we ever do lately_

  


**_02:23 p.m._ **

 

Something else she was suddenly sure about, there wouldn’t be more calm and quiet days for her. As Sana wiped off the remaining petals from her lips, she made sure to flush the rest of them. The soft, faint blush color of the petals seemed to be staring back at her, too beautiful to look away. Sana wanted to keep them all, yet she couldn’t risk her lover finding them and asking about that.

  


The questions she would ask are the same ones Sana doesn’t have an answer to. She loves her too much to let her find about this. It’s too much to deal with, how could she stay with her when the flowers represent unrequited love. Momo’s first thoughts would be that Sana fell in love with someone who doesn’t love her back. How could she believe that Sana was still in love with her yet it was herself the one that didn’t love Sana anymore.

  


If Sana told her and she stayed long enough to hear everything, Momo would realize that in fact she doesn’t love her anymore and she would walk away by herself or if she didn’t stay long enough to hear Sana’s explanation she would just leave. Either way, telling Momo wasn’t an option.

  


Sana could die, but if that meant that she would be able to spend the last of her days by the side of the person she has loved and will continue to love the most in this world, then she’s willing to keep quiet and endure it all.

  


Just as all those thoughts were flooding her mind, she rested her head on the edge of the bathtub. Closing her eyes for a moment and enjoying the brief time she had while her throat wasn’t itching and the tears weren’t forming on the corners of her eyes as she tried to keep the coughs down her throat.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> such a late update so it'll be a double update! please stay reading!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING !   
>  very sad, please have a box of tissues with you!

_ Time to pick my heart _

_ up of the floor. _

  
  


**_06:36 a.m._ **

 

She woke to some banging on the door, Sana tried stretching out her legs before she hit herself with the toilet. Blinking a couple of times she looked around her just to find that she had fallen asleep in the bathroom. The loud bangs making her go back into reality as she could hear Momo calling for her outside. She tried her best to check around to see if there wasn’t any single petal before she opened the door to find a very stressed Momo with a worried look on her face.

  
  


Sana thought the sight was ridiculously funny, how can someone who is the cause of her suffering, look that worried for her? After quickly shrugging the thought off her mind, she proceeded to ask the other what did she so urgently needed.

  
  


“You almost brought the door down, do you remember there’s another bathroom close to the living room?” Sana mumbled while completely opening the door and moving to the side so the other could come in, trying her best to act as if she didn’t fall asleep on the bathroom.

  
  


“How long have you been here? What were you even doing?” Momo asked her, remembering that at some point at night, everything felt colder. Yet not so sure if it was because Sana left the bed or if it was just the weather.

  
  


“After I woke up and uh-   things that people do in bathrooms?” She tried her best to sound like if she had no idea what Momo was talking about. “I’ll start getting ready.” Sana mumbled as she walked away from the bathroom. Not being able to keep up the lie without possibly getting caught.

  
  


_ Do you remember how you loved me once?  _

  
  


Sana wanted to scream right at Momo, yet she opted to don’t make a fuss out of her silly feelings that so often ended up annoying her girlfriend.

  
  


_ This isn’t fair. Love me or leave me here. But don’t stay and continue making me feel alone. _

  
  



	11. Chapter 11

_ So I’m gonna love you, _

_ like I’m gonna lose you. _

  
  


**_11:20 a.m_ **

 

The voice of the lecturer sounded just like background music, she was deep in thought as the class went by. This morning she had had to make Momo stop close to a convenience store with the excuse of needing to buy something to eat, she had been trying to keep her coughs to a minimum yet the fire burning in her throat wouldn’t ease down.

  
  


By the time that she returned to the car, Momo was asking why they had to stop if there were so many cafes and stores close and even inside their campus. Once again Sana just shrugged it off mentioning that she had been wanting to stop here from a long while. 

  
  


To mention that Momo looked at her as if she had lost it, was nothing. Sana knew that her girlfriend was more than curious about what was going on, the sudden urges from Momo to go to the hospital together because of her coughing, the questioning of why she has been taking the trash out on a daily basis instead of once a week like she was so used to, the constant visits to the bathroom at random times. Sana had managed to come up with some excuses that sounded realistic, yet in Momo’s eyes all she could see was how she tried to believe all that she was saying while she knew there was something else. Something she was missing.

  
  


Sana knew that sooner or later, it would get worse. Her lungs were by now, growing entire flowers whose pink petals were day by day brighter than the pale blush color that the first ever petal had. She was fully aware of what meant the existence of those flowers growing inside of her lungs. 

  
  


As the class came to an end, so did her thoughts. She had finally made a decision. She had to leave.

  
  



	12. Chapter 12

_ I’m gonna hold you  _

_ like I’m saying goodbye. _

  
  


**_10:38 p.m_ **

 

Sana was finally done making dinner, she had spent the entire afternoon looking for recipes and taking a couple of trips to the supermarket to buy all the ingredients she needed to make Momo’s favorite dish. As confident as she was of her cooking skills, she could still find herself nervously playing with the hem of her skirt as she looked at the other take the first bite. 

  
  


“Is it good?” She mumbled while crossing her fingers down the table, hoping that she didn’t used sugar instead of salt or that the food was overcooked. She wanted Momo to enjoy and like her food just like how they used to religiously do every saturday.

  
  


The only difference this time was that Sana had taken a dozen of coughing pills a couple of hours before Momo got to her apartment, she didn’t want to end up running to the bathroom every couple of minutes. So far, the coughs weren’t making their way through her throat. She could consider herself lucky since they were able to finish dinner without one single cough from her throat.

  
  


Momo had been complimenting her cooking skills since the first bite, reassuring Sana that it was even better than the one served at fine dining restaurants. Her eyes completely closing and forming beautiful, delicate crescent moons as she smiled and holded Sana’s hand while eating.

  
  


That moment, the second their eyes would meet as they laughed and talked about trivial things that coming from each other’s mouth sounded like the most important discovery in the ear’s of the other, made everything feel like it was finally back in place. The three weeks in which Sana has been secretly growing a garden in her lungs, they seemed like nothing. That beautiful laugh that came out of Momo’s delicate lips, made her feel like f she could go through everything and anything just to continue listening to her lover laugh.

  
  


The night went on, minutes passing by way too slow meanwhile the hours felt like a mere second. The darker the night  would get, the deeper the sadness crept towards Sana’s heart. As she could feel the time to say goodbye closer and closer. 

  
  


After two bottles of wine went down their throats and a series of sloppy kisses were shared between them, they found each other laying down on the couch. Not leaving space for anything else in between them, hugging each other so close not wanting to be apart from the other.

  
  


Drunk Momo was always over affectionate with her girlfriend, that was something Sana grew to know over the years they have been together. Drunk Sana was a mess of giggles and tears. Always being the most emotional one in a 100K miles radius. 

  
  


“Shall we go to bed?” slipped out of Momo’s lips as they have been hugging in the same position for almost 10 minutes.

  
  


“You are more comfortable than bed.” Sana mumbled in response before pressing a wet smooch on the other’s cheek, as she let out a soft giggle and nuzzled her face closer to Momo’s neck.

  
  


Time seemed to go slower after that, at some point of the night, Sana felt the ground moving under her yet she opened her eyes enough to see that it just was Momo sober enough to maneuver with the dead weight of Sana, trying to carry her to bed. 

  
  


As they were finally settled down in bed, courtesy of a half sore Momo. Sana scooted closer to her lover’s arms, being greeted and eagerly welcomed to cuddle. 

  
  


Just like that, the two of them finally went to sleep. Not before Sana’s throat itched for the first time again. A small reminder that this was just temporary and she still had to leave the next morning.

  
  



	13. Chapter 13

 

_How long will I love you?_

_As long as the stars above you_

_and longer if I can._

  


**_08:00 a.m_ **

 

Momo woke up to her phone’s alarm ringing right next to her ear, or that’s what it felt like judging by the immediate banging of her head. She quickly tried to find her phone somewhere on the bed to shut it down, after patting all over the bed two things came to her mind.

 

Number one, she had no idea where her phone was but it was clear it wasn’t on bed.

  


Number two, what she was sure that should be in bed next to her is Sana, yet her lover was nowhere to be found in the bedroom.

  


With a frown on her face, she managed to make her way out of the bedroom, being careful to don’t make any loud noises for the sake of her head. As she looked inside of the bathroom, the kitchen and the living room, she assumed Sana probably went out to buy some ingredients to make some hangover soup or maybe just buy the soup already made, that was something typical from Sana. She would always be the one that no matter the situation, she would take care of both of them.

  


As she was making her way back to bed something caught her attention, on the coffee table that was in front of the Tv, was a bright pink cherry blossom as well as a folded piece of paper.

  


Knowing that it was most likely to be a note her girlfriend left for her, she headed towards it. Carefully taking the note with one hand and the cherry blossom with the other as she sat down on the couch.

  


_My love,_

 

_I am leaving. I’m going back home. I can’t stay any longer. I hope that you will be able to forgive me one of these days. I wish I could stay._

 

_You are the only one that I truly loved. Please take care of yourself since I won’t be around to do so._

 

_Forever yours, Sana._

 

The words sank in Momo like a needle breaking through the layers of her skin, piercing deep inside her heart as the piece of paper suddenly felt like it weighted thousand pounds. Not being able to hold it any longer, Momo let it fell.

  


After that everything fell apart, the note, the flower, the world around her.

  



	14. Chapter 14

_It’s so hard for me to walk away,_

_but I know I can’t stay._

  


**_09:10 a.m_ **

 

She looked down as her phone buzzed in the pockets of her jacket, taking it out she saw one more call adding to the already 7 one’s from Momo. That morning she had woken up around 5 a.m to pack most of her belongings in the only suitcase she owned. Being careful to don’t wake the hungover Momo who peacefully slept on the bed.

  


Before she made her way out of the apartment with her suitcase and backpack, she wrote a small note and she left it on the counter, as well as with a couple of keys that could be used instead of the passcode to enter the apartment.

  


While she was debating whether she should call Momo or not, she heard through the speakers.

  


_‘Passengers with the flight AA508 please head to the assigned gate, we’ll begin boarding.’_

  


As she showed the boarding pass to the flight attendant, she started coughing, being quick to cover her mouth with the sleeve of her jacket, she was allowed to walk towards the plane. Sana removed the back of her hand from her mouth just noticed a couple of blood stains on it, followed by the now common, cherry blossoms.

  


She took one last look through the small window next to her seat, nothing else was left to do. All she could hope for was for the best out of the worst situation she was in. With no other option but to walk away to keep the truth away from her loved one.

  



	15. Chapter 15

_One half of me wants you_

_and the other half wants to forget._

  


**_01:14 p.m_ **

 

It’s been two months since Sana took that plane, two months since she had last seen Momo. To say that leaving had been for the better, was one of the biggest lies she has ever tried to tell herself, she tried to fool herself by saying that if she was farther away from the one that once loved her, she would get better.

  


Nothing got better, instead it all became a living nightmare for Sana, her lungs were no longer growing a garden on their insides, withered cherry blossoms would be the ones to come out of her mouth, the bright pink color that once they had, faded again this time being replaced by the now almost dead cherry blossoms constantly covered by her own blood.

  


She coughed.

  


And she coughed again until her lungs were left gasping for some air.

  


It itched. It burned. It hurt.

  


But Sana wouldn’t have it any other way, she would rather spend her days coughing dead flowers on bed than to try hiding it while being by the side of the only one she would ever love. At this point she couldn’t even make an attempt to hide it. Her lungs burning at all times and her chest aching constantly weren’t of any help.

  


Another cough.

  


She closed her eyes for a moment, her hand not bothering to cover her mouth as she was alone and the need to clean up was left behind the moment she stepped on the plane.

  


Her now roommate, was used to the sight of cherry blossoms scattered everywhere, on the bathtub, inside the sinks, around her bed, on the corners of the walls, hanging on Sana's hair and all over their clothes.

 

 

Sana had found comfort in Mina, not knowing where to go as the plane landed in her home country, she did what she thought would be best.

 

 

Picking up her phone and dialing the number, that she was hoping still belonged to the same person, she waited a couple of rings until the familiar voice answered, probably confused by the unknown caller.

  


“Mina? Tell me that you are still living on the same apartment, please.” she quickly mumbled, not letting the other even process the fact that she was calling.

  


“Sana?” she heard the other’s surprise on the other side of the line.

  


With a soft chuckle she confirmed that yes, it was her. She could feel some warmth spread around her chest as the other started asking all the questions that she expected to hear, Sana knew her old best friend better than anyone else. Thankfully for her, Mina was still around. She had moved from the old apartment complex to somewhere closer to the city, with nicer and better views and way much more space.

  



	16. Chapter 16

_They say ‘you crazy just leave her_

_she’ll suffocate you’ but I wanna be in your arms._

  


09:45 a.m

 

They arrived on time that morning, Mina being extremely helpful and finally glad that her longtime friend had agreed to get the surgery. She couldn’t stand to see the girl that once used to be so cheerful and full of energy, now look like all of it has been drained from her.

  


The once beautiful cherry blossoms that Sana had always loved to watch during spring now seemed like painful reminders that love would always leave some kind of trace in each other. For her, it was close to mean her own death, yet she had finally realized that letting herself die out of love and heartbreak wouldn’t do anything for anybody.

  


As her health got worse she had considered letting herself witter, just like the flowers that were coming out of her lungs, yet she started asking herself so many questions that lead her to this. Why would she let herself die out of love? She was the one suffering while her loved one would’ve probably moved on by now. Out of whose sake was she letting her life be taken away? Why would she give her all for someone who actually caused this to her? The reason why her lungs were bleeding flowers had a name, a face and probably a new life by now.

  


Did she think of letting herself die out of revenge? At first, she let the thought linger on her mind for a while, yet after a couple of weeks passed by and her condition got to the point where she couldn’t take care of herself. And that’s when she decided it was enough.

  


Enough suffering.

  


Enough feeling like the air is getting through her lungs.

  


Enough cherry blossoms drenched in blood.

  


Enough one sided love.

  


Enough longing for someone who doesn’t love her anymore.

And that’s how she found herself lying down on a surgical table, seconds before the anesthetist placed the mask on her nose and mouth and asked her to take a deep breathe and start counting to ten.

  


“One.”

  


Momo, I love you.

  


“Two…”

  


I loved you as much as I could handle.

  


“Three.”

  


I’m sorry I couldn’t continue loving you.

  


“Four…”

  


Please forgive me.

  


“Fiv-” She could feel herself starting to fall into a deep slumber, her eyes closing and leaving her alone with her thoughts.

  


I will do this for myself. Yet I know I’m gonna regret it.

 


	17. Chapter 17

_ You just come back to me, _

_ in my dreams. _

  
  


**_03:18 a.m_ **

 

Sana woke up out of nowhere, sweat streaming down her forehead, trying to catch up her breathe as she wiped the tears off her face. 

  
  


“It’s just a dream.” She mumbled to herself as she sat down on her bed, her hand brushing some of the cherry blossoms off her lap as she had been coughing at night, she managed to stand up and walk towards the kitchen.

  
  


The distance was short, a couple of steps and you would find yourself out of the room and facing a small kitchen, yet for someone whose lungs were everything but lungs; a garden, a cemetery, a bouquet, a sea of blood and flowers, it felt like she ran a marathon. 

  
  


She took a moment to rest while leaning on one of the counters before she grabbed a cup to fill it with water, her lungs were threatening her with exploding anytime soon and she so desperately needed the fire on them to calm down. Sana was bringing the cup to her lips when without any warning, flowers and petals started to come out of her mouth in between coughs and tears. 

  
  


The feeling was close to when you are throwing up, her lungs still trying to get rid of the unwelcomed new guests that were growing on them, pushed and pushed until they left Sana breathless and the floor full of a now dying garden. As it went away, she fell to her knees, her legs not being able to stand her as they were wobbling since she woke up. 

  
  


Sana lied down on the floor, too weak to stand up yet kind of comforted by the cold tiles. The tears that stopped as soon as she woke up from the dream, coming back. 

  
  


“I can’t-  “ she sobbed as her voice cracked down.

  
  


Why was she suffering like this? 

  
  


Is love really supposed to hurt this much? Even when Momo wasn’t with her, she still had the power to make her hurt. Not only emotionally but also physically, to an extent where Sana was only left hoping for death.

 

 

_ Momo...I miss you. _

  
  


She thought while the tears were still streaming down her cheeks, even if it was for a couple of minutes. She needed to see her. She needed to see that the other one was okay, she needed to make sure Momo would be okay even if her existence on earth stops.

  
  


As she thought of that, her dream came back into mind and she shrugged the thoughts away, as much as she was hurting she would never let anybody take away from her the most precious thing she still had some control over.

  
  


Her love for Momo.

  
  


With those thoughts on mind, she slowly made her way back to bed, it was still too early to start planning her trip and booking a flight. She pulled up the blanket in hopes to find some warmth that she knew better than anyone else, she wouldn’t find on a blanket but on the arms of Momo.

  
  


Determined to see her again, she promised that first thing in the morning she would book a plane even if that meant that she would have to fight Mina to let her out.

 


	18. Chapter 18

_ Just hold on we're going home, _

_ it’s hard to do these things alone. _

  
  


**12:47 p.m**

 

Once again she found herself at an airport gate, all the things she went through just to find herself coming back to the place she ran away from months ago. Sana let out a small laugh which soon turned into a coughing fit, earning stares from the people around. As she had managed to take a deep breathe, she hid the little flowers that had came out, on her pocket. Fortunately for her, cherry blossoms were small enough for her to hide when she coughed in public, she wouldn’t imagine what she would do if she was coughing sunflowers in public.

  
  


Just the thought of those big flowers, that sometimes grow to be taller than any human, growing inside of her lungs, instead of the small delicate blossoms, made her lungs ache even deeper. 

  
  


As she was already on her seat and the plane started to take off, she felt a small yet crushing pain on her chest. The feeling of it growing deeper and deeper as the plane reached the clouds above them. While she tried to calm down and stabilize her breathing as the familiar burning sensation appeared on her lungs, once again. 

  
  


The flight, as Mina had warned her, was hell to say the least. The change of pressure not helping at all with the aching on her chest, the cold air on the plane making her lungs itch even more and the coughs making her almost impossible to keep them down. 

  
  


Once she reached land and was far away from all the people that looked at her like if she was dying ‘I’m just coughing, geez’, she grabbed the first cab she could find and made her way towards her old apartment. 

  
  


_ Momo, I’m here. _

  
  


_ Can you feel it? _

  
  


_ Is it just me?  _

  
  


_ I’ll finally be home. _

  
  


She kept thinking as the cab drove through the familiar streets, passing by her favorite stores and all the places she learnt to miss when she was away. More than that. All the memories in those places. Memories with  **her** .

  
  


When she reached the apartment, after keeping her coughs for what seemed like an eternity but it was just half an hour, from the driver that was already looking at her like she had lost it. Sana quickly paid him and urged herself inside. Hoping to find the only person her heart has been longing for.

  
  


Ignoring the burning of her throat for the first time as the excitement and expectation of finding Momo were bigger and the only thing filling her thoughts. She reached the door and instead of opting for ringing the bell, she just pressed the passcode to unlock it. Afterall, she used to live there, it was her apartment anyways.

  
  


Letting out a cough and with that a couple of petals, she made her way inside, glad that the password hasn’t changed yet scared that it would mean Momo wasn’t there anymore.

  
  


As she looked around, she found the place quite clean. No signs of dust or abandonment were visible. So she assumed Momo was still living in her apartment.

  
  


_ Does she still love me? Maybe she has missed me…. _

  
  


Her trail of thoughts was interrupted as soon as she started coughing, her burning lungs asking to be paid attention after she ran all the way up her apartment without taking a break, still coughing, she made her way inside of her old bedroom. 

  
  


_ Just to explore. _

  
  


She said to herself as she opened the door and saw a couple of frames with her and Momo’s picture still on the along with the letter and the cherry blossom that after all the time has passed was still alive.

  
  


Confusion hit her just as her coughing fit came back, not being able to keep herself standing for any longer, she sat down at the edge of her old bed.

 

 

_ I’m home. _

  
  


She was coughing and the cherry blossoms wouldn’t stop from coming out of her mouth, her lungs gasping for air in between each cough.

  
  


_ Momo, I’m back home. _

  
  


Yet she wasn’t scared or crying this time, she knew that she would just have to wait a little bit more for her loved one to get home.

  
  


_ You have always been my home. _

  
  


So she lied down, still coughing, letting the blossoms scatter around as she realized there was no use on continuing fighting the coughs back. With a smile on her face, she closed her eyes as she could hear the front door opening.

  
  


_ Finally home. _

  
  


She couldn’t open her eyes when she heard Momo’s hesitant voice out in the living room, her voice drowned in blood and petals as she tried calling for her, last thing she heard was the door of her room opening.

  
  


_ I missed you, my love.  _

  
  


After that, everything went dark just as her thoughts.

 


	19. Chapter 19

_ Love, I said real love _

_ is like feeling no fear. _

  
  


**08:39 a.m**

 

This time she was woken up by a gentle shake on her arm, startled she let out a small whimper as she looked around, her eyes still not adapting to the sudden light coming out from her windows, opened windows.

  
  


With a frown on her already confused face, she turned to look at Mina, who was standing right in front of her. 

  
  


“Why- “ she wasn’t even allowed to finish asking when the other interrupted her.

  
  


“She is here.” Mina mumbled, a worried look on her face as she tried to examine and read Cihi's expression.

  
  


_ She. _

  
  


_ Her. _

  
  


_ Momo. _

  
  


As Sana realized who she meant with she, her lungs coughed in response, managing to stand up and wipe the remainings of blood and petals from her lips, she walked or more like tried to get to the end of the room. Momo is here, she needed to see her. Hug her, kiss her, tell her how much she had missed her. Yet Mina’s arms weren’t even letting her get close to the door.

  
  


“As much as I want you to see her and all, you look like you just raised from your grave. And letting her see you like that might not be the best option. So calm down, take a shower. Prepare yourself, there’s probably going to be a lot of talking and explaining.” She mumbled before looking around the room. “Maybe try to keep the coughing, not everyone is used to see flowers and blood gushing out your mouth.”

  
  


With a roll of her eyes, Sana dismissed her friend. She knew more than anyone else that scaring Momo about her health condition was the worst idea in the entire world. She sighed yet managed to make her way, with Mina’s help, towards the bathroom that connected her bedroom with her friend’s.


	20. Chapter 20

_ Love, I said real love _

_ is like feeling no fear. _

  
  


**_08:39 a.m_ **

 

This time she was woken up by a gentle shake on her arm, startled she let out a small whimper as she looked around, her eyes still not adapting to the sudden light coming out from her windows, opened windows.

  
  


With a frown on her already confused face, she turned to look at Mina, who was standing right in front of her. 

  
  


“Why- “ she wasn’t even allowed to finish asking when the other interrupted her.

  
  


“She is here.” Mina mumbled, a worried look on her face as she tried to examine and read Cihi's expression.

  
  


_ She. _

  
  


_ Her. _

  
  


_ Momo. _

  
  


As Sana realized who she meant with she, her lungs coughed in response, managing to stand up and wipe the remainings of blood and petals from her lips, she walked or more like tried to get to the end of the room. Momo is here, she needed to see her. Hug her, kiss her, tell her how much she had missed her. Yet Mina’s arms weren’t even letting her get close to the door.

  
  


“As much as I want you to see her and all, you look like you just raised from your grave. And letting her see you like that might not be the best option. So calm down, take a shower. Prepare yourself, there’s probably going to be a lot of talking and explaining.” She mumbled before looking around the room. “Maybe try to keep the coughing, not everyone is used to see flowers and blood gushing out your mouth.”

  
  


With a roll of her eyes, Sana dismissed her friend. She knew more than anyone else that scaring Momo about her health condition was the worst idea in the entire world. She sighed yet managed to make her way, with Mina’s help, towards the bathroom that connected her bedroom with her friend’s.

  
  


_ I love you dangerously,  _

_ more than the air that I breathe. _

  
  


**_09:45 a.m_ **

 

It had taken exactly 30 minutes for Sana to shower and get dressed up, yet it took her another 30 to control her breathing. Taking a couple of pills would help for at least an hour, drinking water and breathing deeply usually helps but how was she supposed to know how is she gonna react when she finally sees Momo, after all this time and all the nightmares that had just recently visited her last night.

  
  


She carefully opened the door of her room, peeking through it as she could see Mina seating on a chair and the back of her. Momo. As soon as Mina saw her, she rushed to her side, helping her to walk towards the couch. Making Momo instinctively turn around. 

  
  


The moment her eyes met, Sana's feet were glued to the ground. She couldn’t move or walk anymore, she felt her knees weaken down once more, she tried to lean down on Mina’s hold just to find that the other was on her left, not on her right. Sana's eyes widened as she could already feel herself hitting the ground, yet the feel of the cold tiles was replaced by two arms catching her just in time and pulling her close.

  
  


Surprised, she let out a gasp only to find Momo’s face a few centimeters away from hers. She wasn’t able to speak up because as soon as she tried to open her mouth to apologize, she felt Momo’s lips on hers.

  
  


Not only her lips, but her arms hugging her, the warm coming back to her just as she wrapped her own around the love of her life, not wanting to pull apart or be away from her anymore, making sure every kiss said everything she had kept to herself. Finally, she was home. She could lose everything as long as she was in the other’s arms. 

  
  


And Sana felt it, all the love. All the affection pouring from Momo to her. 

  
  


As they pulled apart, one gasping for air and the other with the sudden realization that the air was finally going through her lungs.

  
  


“I think there’s a lot to explain…” Sana mumbled as she managed to look at Momo’s eyes.

  
  


“Later.” She was cut off by the other’s lips once again on her, hugging her tighter and pulling her as close as her bodies could possibly be.

  
  


“Later…” she mumbled back in between the kisses, a small smile appearing on her lips after months of crying.

  
  


_ We have all of eternity left for that. _

  
  


🌸

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! i am so sorry that i didn't update for such a long time, when i started writing this story i was going through a hard time with my lover, that's probably why my feelings were so raw and writing was completely easy for me. but things ended in a extremely bad note, heartbreak does so many things to people and it left me in a really dark place. i wanted to change the ending to something more dramatic and painful, but i still have the hope that everyone will get a happy ending, even if it's just momentarily.


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